Teddy Bear Roosevelt

Theodore Roosevelt had filled pages of his diary by writing about the love of his life, his first wife, nearly as often as he thought about her. He noted the simplest expressions, the smallest acts of recognition, the quietest smiles, the loudest silences, and every action that resulted in a memory that they could replay again-and-again in the future that they had planned together. In his ever-present pocket diary on February 14, 1884, after she died from complications of childbirth, Theodore Roosevelt simply wrote an “X” above one striking sentence: “The light has gone out of my life.”

Theodore Roosevelt recovered and made history, but the pain that he felt probably never dissipated. It was also never again mentioned. Two days after the funeral, he wrote a short biography of Alice in his diary, ending “For joy or sorrow, my life has now been lived out.” Roosevelt’s biographer, Edmund Morris, wrote that “Like a lion obsessively trying to drag a spear from its flank, Roosevelt set about dislodging Alice Lee from his soul. Nostalgia, a weakness to which he was abnormally vulnerable, could be indulged if it was pleasant, but if painful it must be suppressed, “until the memory is too dead to throb.” Alice Hathaway Lee’s existence may have crossed his mind or remained in his heart, but her name never again passed through his lips. Their daughter — Alice’s namesake — entered adulthood without ever hearing her father speak of her mother. It was simply too painful for this, probably the bravest of Presidents. Following his Presidency, Roosevelt wrote his Autobiography, which was detailed and thorough, but he didn’t mention his first wife even once. Letters were destroyed, photographs were were burned, and Roosevelt’s only method of coping with her absence was pretending that she was never there in the first place. He once wrote of Alice that “I did not think I could win her, and I went nearly crazy at the mere thought of losing her.” Once he did lose her, he certainly lost a part of himself.

Immediately following Alice’s death, Theodore told a friend that he was “beyond healing and time will never change me in that respect”. Roosevelt remarried in 1886 and had five more children, but his silence about Alice’s impact on his life is just as striking as the words he wrote about her while she was alive. In August 1974, President Richard Nixon — one of Roosevelt’s successors and biggest admirers — resigned from the Presidency and in his final speech as President, to White House staff gathered in the East Room, quoted from one of only two references that Roosevelt made to Alice following her death:

“She was beautiful in face and form, and lovelier still in spirit; As a flower she grew, and as a fair young flower she died. Her life had been always in the sunshine; there had never come to her a single sorrow; and none ever knew her who did not love and revere her for the bright, sunny temper and her saintly unselfishness. Fair, pure, and joyous as a maiden; loving , tender, and happy. As a young wife; when she had just become a mother, when her life seemed to be just begun, and when the years seemed so bright before her—then, by a strange and terrible fate, death came to her. And when my heart’s dearest died, the light went from my life forever.”

Theodore Roosevelt went on to achieve his ambitions and realize great success, but his tribute to Alice bears witness to his pain and gives extra symbolism to the lion’s last words before his heart gave out in 1919: “Please put out the light.”

Frolicking 4th of July

We headed up to NY on Friday to party with the Johnson's of Jamestown this weekend.  THAT was my first mistake... I-70 was a parking lot and I was getting burned alive in the Geo.  I was so close to pulling off the highway and checking into a hotel, but then the traffic opened up and we ended up in NY just as the sun was setting.

They had a nice little campfire going, with beer and s’mores... I was so relieved.  We pretty much spent the weekend in our swimming suits, frolicking at Rick and Diane's pool next door.  Yeah, that’s right… we were frolicking, which is exactly what I like to do… I consider any weekend we’re in full frolick, to be a success! 

Sunday afternoon we finally got the party started and then headed home Sunday evening. 

The Johnson’s are a fine clan and always a joy to be around.  Mike always said I come from good stock…

Damn straight, Baby.

Michael Nathan Kuligowski

Michael Nathan Kuligowski, 50, passed away Thursday, June 9th, at his home in Arlington, VA. He was born in Fort Meade, MD September 28th, 1960, to Stanley and Phyllis Kuligowski, currently residing in Derry, NH. He met and fell in love with his wife, Tina, whom he married in Las Vegas, NV on March 4th, 2008. As a devoted and loving husband, Mike expressed his deep appreciation and good fortune for finding and spending his remaining years with her.
 
Mike and his family have experienced tremendous tragedy in the past few years; he was predeceased by his son, Adam Kuligowski (21) on April 6th, 2009, and then his daughter, Kalia Kuligowski (26) on January 6th of this year. On August 24th, 2010, Mike was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. Mike turned misfortune and heartbreak into an opportunity to strengthen the bonds with his surviving sons, Stefan and Lukas Kuligowski of Derry, NH. He reminded them more often than not, that they mattered so much to him and that they were loved more than anyone in the world.
 
Including previously mentioned family members, Mike is survived by his two brothers; Jan Kuligowski from Florida, and Stanley (Stash) Kuligowski, of Manchester, NH, and his sister; Stephanie Kuligowski of Derry, NH. Additionally, he is survived by the mother of his four children; Tracie Kuligowski, as well as a large and tight-knit network of cousins throughout the New England area.
 
Mike joined the State Department in 1984, serving as an IT specialist at US Embassies around the world. His most recent assignment was at the US Embassy in Bangkok, Thailand, where he lived with his family, to include his stepchildren; Micah and Mary Middleton. He also served in Africa, South America, South Korea, and Saudi Arabia during the first Gulf War. He is also a veteran of the US Army, and served from 1978 -1982.

In 2008, he received The Thomas Morrison Information Management Award, which recognizes outstanding and unique contributions in the information management field. This is considered the pinnacle of achievements in his field, specifically within the Department of State. While well respected by his peers, Mike was better known by his colleagues and friends for his gifts in being able to impact their lives on a very deep and profound level. His compassion helped many when they needed it most; to guide them, humor them, restore them, help them turn a corner, pull them from the edge or just allow them to shut the world out and absorb his healing vibes.
 
He was a painter and a student of spirituality. He loved to hike, and spent many hours climbing the peaks of the White Mountains in New Hampshire with his cousin and best friend; Luke Johnson.
 
Many hearts are broken, many tears have fallen, and a heavy sadness weighs on our collective soul. We love you Michael Kuligowski… we miss you, and we will never forget you

Classic Fakeout

I took the girls to the movies yesterday afternoon; Mary and her next door neighbor friends, while I slipped over the get a massage.  I knew they would be done before me so I put a 20 under my phone, and when they came by I told Mary to grab it and go shopping at Claire's for 30 minutes.  When I finished, they weren’t back yet, so I went to Claire's... they were nowhere to be found.  

I noticed I had missed 4 calls from my next door neighbor and he was just calling me again to find out when we would be back.  He was pressed for time because his daughter had a soccer game at 6.  Anyway, after a couple of frantic minutes passed, I saw the girls come out of the shop next to Claire's and called out for Mary.  As they walked towards me, she could see I was pretty mad.  I told her she was in big trouble, and just left it at that.  

When we got back, Mary stayed at the next door neighbor's house for a few hours before coming home.  She was all freaked out about what kind of trouble she was in for... she was actually volunteering punishment; "Mommy, I can just return these things to the store as punishment... what are you going to do to me anyway?!"  I said, "That's it... for you to torture yourself for the past two hours, about what your punishment would be... that is your punishment!"

Guilty Internet Pleasures

Trying to find a good blog to read is like trying to find a four-leaf clover... in a parking lot... on a rainy day. I am under no delusions that my blog is, in my wildest dreams, even close to interesting, even for my parents, who seem to favor Facebook.


Anyway, I think I found the "four-leaf clover" of blogs a few weeks ago, called Scary Mommy (www.scarymommy.com) It's well-written, hilarious, and most important, doesn't make me feel like a complete failure as a parent. I actually started reading it because of a new feature on the site that allows people to post anonymous confessions. Yeah, I posted some confessions and no, I'm not telling you!

Well, okay, maybe just one, or two... I eat Mary's gummy bear vitamins like candy (no big deal, I think a lot of people do that!) and, I've recently added Anthony Bourdain to my spank bank.

What?!

He's really sexy!


There are over 7000 confessions now and I've probably read every one of them... I know, I know, a colossal waste of time, but I can't help it... I'm addicted! I can see a 12-step program in my future. After the first couple dozen confessions they pretty much repeat themselves, but I'm just blown away by how much women:

1. Hate their husbands/ mother-in-laws/ sister-in-laws,

2. Smoke weed,

3. Want to have sex with other women,

4. Wish they had a single friend,

5. Can't wait to get away from their kids (stay-at-home moms),

6. Can't wait to get home to their kids (working moms),

7. Have secret credit cards,

8. Secretly hire maids to clean their houses,

9. Beat themselves up because they... spank their kids, can't keep a clean house, use vibrators, drink too much, think they're too fat, eat Oreo cookies for breakfast and cereal for dinner , etc, etc...

...and it just goes on and on, like a pile up on the interstate that you can't look away from.

Truly Random Post

Mike left for NH on Tuesday and I found myself unable to sleep every night this week except for last night... I think I was just so tired. It was a pretty deep sleep until about 330am, when Mary was prodding me to wake up because she had an ear ache. Dammit! I thought we were done with those! Anyway, gave her some meds and she was back to sleep in no time.


I paid a cleaning service to come in and deep clean the house on Thursday and I think that is contributing to a really fantastic mood this morning... worth every penny!

I'm just going to try and sit around all day and read my Kindle... there's a "top-ten" list on Chuck Palahniuk's website that I'm going to queue up and start working my way through... that is, if Mare-Bear lets me... she seems to think we're going bike riding (not sure how she's going to do that without a bike) and then to Macy's. It is possible she may motivate me off this couch... she can be very persuasive. If I just avoid looking into her eyes I might be able to escape her wiccan-like charms.


It's inevitable that I will have to return to BKK very soon to pack out... Soooo not looking forward to the flight. But, on the positive side... frequent flyer miles, $10 massages, Samea Beach, and all the other pleasantries Thailand has to offer :-)


I have more random thoughts swirling about my repository of consciousness, but I don't like re-reading a long blog entry.


Kuligowski Out!

The Goodbye Weekend

We arrived Friday afternoon and cooked a batch of food at the condo for Stefan, Lukas and their friends. Saturday morning we were at the church early and Kalia’s casket was open for a short time. It was good for me to see her. Mary started crying though, and didn’t stop until the service was over… probably 2 hours.

Everyone from the family spoke; first Tracie, who recited a very beautiful and heart-wrenching poem she wrote called "No Poem", followed by Lukas and Stefan. I was very proud of both of them. I know Lukas would have preferred to just sit and listen, but he summoned the courage to speak, and delivered a very mature and dignified eulogy. Mike told a story about driving the kids cross-country one summer in a Geo. And then Nathan, Kalia's best friend, had some very insightful stories to share about their adventures growing up together.

The service continued at the cemetery with a very short, graveside memorial, and concluded with a nice luncheon sponsored by a group affiliated with the church. I have never seen so many trays of perfect cheesy potatoes in my life! It was one of a thousand little things that happened this weekend that contributed to bearing the unbearable; from the moment we accidently cut in the Southwest boarding line, to the Dunkin Donuts “incident”. Remind me to tell you about it sometime.

I should acknowledge that this weekend was a lot easier to cope with thanks to a very good friend; Joanne's presence was a factor in helping Mary, Mike and I through a tough time.

Saturday evening, once the sun set, and the snow began to fall, the flames of Kalia's memorial bonfire developed into a full blaze. The day came to a close in a magical moment as Kalia’s family and friends gathered around the fire to drink a little hot chocolate and share in her memory.

The Buddhists, in a beautiful and fitting expression of wisdom, say, “Your end, which is endless, is as a snowflake dissolving in the pure air.”

Kalia, Beautiful Kalia

3:09 am, January 6, 2011... woke to the sound of my husband crying on the phone. I already knew why. He was scheduled to fly to NH that afternoon to spend time with Kalia before the Good Lord called her home, but it was too late.

I spent the day crying... on the couch, in bed, on the phone, in the car.

I had just seen Kalia two months ago when she drove down to take part in the Jon Stewart Rally for Sanity. We all crammed into a booth at the Silver Diner in Arlington, VA; me, Mike, Lukas, Cody, Micah and Kalia... ate a huge breakfast and laughed at life's random humor.

She looked great, felt great and, if you didn't know any better (which was the case with most of her friends), you would never know she was sick. I could never imagine that would be our last day together. It was the start of a good day, and a good moment to have in rememberance of Kalia.

I came in to work to avoid lying in bed all day and thinking about the source and reason of this run of bad luck, only to avoid co-workers and their expressions that mirror my mindset. I don't have an answer... I don't know why... I only know that my stomach turns and my head throbs and my heart physically aches because a very bright and beautiful light in my life has gone out.

Unexpected Departure

Feels like we left Bangkok "in the middle of the night" at the end of this summer. We didn't know what to expect after Mike was medevaced back to the US, after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.

Two weeks later, we flew Lukas and Mary home to try and resettle our lives back in the US. Lukas went straight to Derry to live with his sister Kalia, and Mary stayed in NY for a few months until we could sort out some kind of permanent plan.

Now that the holidays have passed and Mike is well into his chemotherapy treatments, we took up permanent residence in Arlington, VA and brought Mary home. Micah will finish the year at Houghton Academy before joining us.

Time to rename this blog ...